Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Expendables

The Expendables: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

After seeing this movie, I honestly believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were out drinking and came up with idea for the worst action movie ever. Then, in his stupor, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked, “How many washed up action heroes could we get to be in this movie?” Sylvester Stallone replied, “11, including us.” Schwarzenegger then asked, “How many A-list (ish) action heroes would it take to turn this B-movie idea into an A-movie?” After watching the Expendables, the answer to that question would be: 0. No matter the cast, there was no saving this film. The plot of the movie is something along the lines this group of Planet Hollywood owners play a team of mercenaries who are offered a job to remove a dictator from power on a tiny island in the Caribbean. There are some other “plot points,” but they aren’t worth my time to write, nor yours to read.

Of the cast of greats that are in this movie, Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham have the most to do. However, they still play generic characters they have both already personified. The rest of the Expendables: Terry Crews, Jet Li, and Randy Couture are just that, expendable. They aren't on the screen long enough for me to gauge their performance and when they are on screen they are just killing off hundreds of generic bad guys. Mickey Rourke actually gives the best overall performance, which makes you want to remind him that his career is on the upswing and should have just stayed out of it. Dolph Lundgren does a really good job of playing a man broken down by the problems of his life and thus, has a pretty bad drug problem to boot. Wait. Sorry. He isn't acting. Steve Austin plays a racist, skinhead jerk. The same type of character he has been playing as of late. Lastly, we have Eric Roberts. If you are really interested in seeing him perform, but can’t make it to the theater; I suggest you watch his other premiere this week: Sharktopus on the Sci-Fi channel.

Now, I will give the movie a tiny shred of credit. Some of the action sequences are so over the top that they are pretty entertaining. As I mentioned before in my review for Greenzone, the problem with over the top action sequences is the camera work. It is called a steady cam. It lets you get nice clean shots of the action so people can actually see the movie. The whole “looks like it was shot with a couple of camcorders they got from a local Best Buy” film technique does not work for me. Also, STOP using digital blood and gore effects. They are never done well and always end up looking ridiculously fake.

This movie has officially taken what was a very below average summer and turned it into the worst I can remember. I am waiting for Sylvester Stallone to go onto national television next week in the style of a presidential address just to tell us all that we have been Punk'd. I can't wait for the sequel... The Expendables 2: Will Blow Sh$% Up For Food.

My Rating: 1 out of 5

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